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HALFORDS can be intimidating for the sensitive, modern man who doesn’t know how to check his oil. Here’s how to ingratiate yourself with the frightening blokes who replace your headlights.

Call everyone ‘boss’

An easy way to win over the burly lads at Halfords is to jovially refer to them as ‘boss’, ‘pal’, ‘mate’ and, if you’re feeling adventurous, ‘bud’. This creates the illusion you’re one of them, not some anxious nerd who doesn’t know the first f**king thing about cars or masculinity.  

Identify the alpha male then repeatedly compliment them

You don’t need to please everyone to win the favour of a group. Simply target the alpha male and focus on them. Say something like ‘great work fitting those wipers, boss’. As your confidence increases, try ‘lovely biceps, pal’. Alternatively, give him a brief solo round of applause every time he changes a tyre or serves a customer.

Stay calm when asked to open your bonnet

At Halfords you may be asked to pop open your bonnet. Your natural impulse will be to let out a panicked, girlish shriek, humiliating yourself in front of the car men. Instead act like you open your bonnet all the time and definitely know where the release lever is. Then get in your car and frantically try to find it in less than five minutes.

Casually use words like ‘torque’ in conversation

You can’t earn the affection of the menfolk at Halfords without knowing a thing or two about cars. Luckily, it’s easy to pretend. All you need to do is drop words like ‘torque’ and ‘chassis’ into the conversation like you use them all the time. When they say something you don’t remotely understand, just smile and nod knowingly. 

Do a handbrake turn in the car park

If you’ve tried everything and still haven’t gained the respect of the Halfords lads, it’s time for drastic action. Blow their minds by hopping in your Fiat Panda and pulling off a jaw-dropping handbrake turn right in the middle of the car park. How hard can it be? Nail it, and you’ll be a legend for the rest of your days. Fail, and you’ll never be able to show your face in Halfords again. But who needs two headlights, anyway?

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