Five good reasons to hate and fear groups of schoolchildren on the bus

GETTING a bus? You’d better hope it’s not already been colonised by a group of schoolkids. Here’s why you should be very afraid.

They’re stronger than they used to be

Margaret Thatcher may have taken away school milk, but these kids are amped up on neon energy drinks filled with illegal stimulants and buzzing on cheap vapes. With their Hulk-like strength, they could easily wrestle you from your prime seat at the back of the bus or call you a paedo with impunity.

They’re wearing intimidating uniforms

It would be wrong to say that their dark uniforms with black blazers put you in mind of a certain branch of the WW2 German military known for war crimes, but that shared ‘Sunnybrook School’ crest probably makes them think and act as one merciless, acne-covered unit.

They have youth on their side

Children famously have more energy than adults who can barely get through a desk job on five cups of black coffee. If they attack you, you won’t stand a chance. You’ll just have to sit there and take it. You’ll probably cry like you did at school, which will make them despise you even more and do worse Chinese burns.

They know new words

Back when you were bullied on the bus as a kid, you at least knew what they were talking about when they called you a ‘massive bender’. Now that 30 years have passed they’ve got all sorts of frightening new slang. They’ll be calling you a ‘wristwatch’ and cackling and you won’t even know why.

They probably do extra-curricular activities

Never mind the torture methods they’re learning about in history, what about outside school? It’s been years since you’ve used your yellow belt in karate, but they all probably do kickboxing now. Oh well. You’ve been meaning to try walking home from work anyway. You can live with the indelible shame of cowardice.

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