SOME famous people are monsters. Then there are some you suspect of being dreadful based on nothing but idle, vindictive speculation. And why not?
He’s not blatantly a shit like David Walliams, but there’s still something about the former Pointless presenter you don’t like. Is it his height? Is it his ability to recite trivia from a laptop screen? Maybe you’re jealous of the millions he’s made from those crime novels your mum loves while your Star Wars fan fiction goes unpublished? If only you had his agent.
She’s nice enough as she gets the vowels and consonants on Countdown, but anyone who’s that good at maths is clever and therefore not to be trusted, like Lex Luthor. It doesn’t help that her majesty doesn’t lower herself to write out sums she finds too easy to solve. Our apologies for getting a D in GCSE maths, Rach.
The former Take That singer seems too gormless to have had such a successful career, so clearly he must be banging heads together backstage. Either that or he’s made some dodgy deal like that guy in The Matrix who sells out humans in return for being made a celebrity in the digital world. Yes, that’s the most likely explanation.
Emma Watson is perfect. Too perfect. This must mean she’s overcompensating for being pretty evil once the cameras stop rolling. And what better way to hide your true nature than playing super-nice Hermione for years and speaking up for gender equality? The evidence is damning. Case closed.
Sir Bradley Wiggins
Not only is he a cyclist, which is an immediate red flag, he’s a professional cyclist who’s really good at it. In your experience these sorts of people are the worst, so unless he’s the exception that proves the rule he must be awful too. Plus he insists on being called ‘Sir’ Bradley Wiggins, which is a twat move in itself.
It’s not her fault, the poor kid. But there’s no way someone born into that institution grows up into a normal, well-rounded person. When her true tyrannical personality reveals itself over time, the nation will be grateful that she will never be Queen. She’s probably related to Bloody Mary somewhere down the line, so we dodged a bullet there.