Taxes up, services cut: your Brexit deal in full

TWO-AND-A-HALF years after Boris Johnson triumphantly led us out of the EU, how’s your own personal Brexit deal looking? Break it down: 

Taxes up

The Conservative government that brought you Brexit and hates high taxes regrets that, after 12 years of austerity, it’s going to raise taxes. Because they’ve been saddled with a bad fiscal reputation by the markets due to some impulsive decisions in the past which were kind of your fault.

Public services cut

More than a decade of cuts weren’t enough. Levelling up and all that needy Boris Johnson crap’s over. Libaries are closing, schools are switching to four-day weeks, anyone in charge of regulating anything’s already f**ked off. Please contact your local Tory MP if you see anything functioning so they can kill it.

NHS collapsing

Brexiters always knew the £350m on the bus was a lie, but not quite to this extent. Patients are stuck in hospitals, patients are dying in ambulance queues, nurses are on strike, foreign medics won’t come here and more cuts are coming. You have full sovereignity over your own health. Don’t get ill.

Bills through the roof

Inflation and energy bills are a problem everywhere but, like Covid, nowhere more than here. You’re facing up to a Christmas where the big treat will be putting the heating on. There will be blackouts. This happened immediately before joining Europe and is now happening straight after. Weird.

The pound’s worth bugger all

Unimpressed with our independence, the world has decided that the pound is worthless. As it can’t even buy you a quarter-pint of gassy lager in most pubs you kind of agree. Your holidays abroad cost a fortune, but to make up for it so do your holidays in Britain.

All the Brexiters have gone

Technically one’s prime minister, but all the Brexit zealots who howled us through years of anti-EU propaganda appear to have pissed off. Boris is holidaying between speeches, Farage hosts phone-ins on low-budget telly, Gove’s only in Cabinet for the alimony. Why? Surely this was going to be brilliant?

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